Salt Peanuts!

LPT: If you live somewhere where humidity causes the salt in your salt shaker to clump, mix uncooked rice with the salt inside the shaker. The rice absorbes moisture and won't alter the taste.

ULPT: Don't want your pet anymore but want to make back the money you spent for them? Fly them on United Airlines.

A sign of getting old is when you stop getting excited whether a hotel has a pool or not

LPT Request: How to stop a traumatizing event to stop playing in your head

ULPT: Take dead cat onto United Airlines flight. Willingly put cat in overhead compartment. Join class action law suit.

Practically anyone can just procreate and have a child; however, people who want to adopt have to go through a new form of hell.

Barcelona vs Chelsea - UEFA Champions League, 14-Mar-2018

LPT: Fingernail polish sticks to more surfaces, lasts much longer, is much cheaper, and is easier to see than permanent marker

ULPT: it’s not cheating if you start to date them both at the same time

Baby’s being born now will never know what Toys-R-Us was and what a magical place it was for all of us. RIP.

Juventus vs Atalanta- Serie A, 14-March-2018

LPT: Want to find a pornstar that fits your description of your ideal man/woman? AKINATOR.

ULPT: at Panera, eat your bread that comes with your You Pick 2, then go to the front and tell em you had to throw it away because it fell on the ground, they will give you another piece of bread

Stephan Hawking was born on Galileo’s death date, and died on Einstein’s birth date.

LPT: If you want to learn a new language, figure out the 100 most frequently used words and start with them. Those words make up about 50% of everyday speech, and should be a very solid basis.

ULPT: When traveling by air, collect your luggage and take it to your car, then come back and report it as missing. The airline will open a claim and eventually pay you for what you say was in it.

New York Red Bulls vs Xolos Tijuana, CONCACAF Champions League, 13-03-2018

Working in groups in school was never meant to teach you teamwork. It was meant to teach you the incompetence of your co-workers.

LPT the IRS provides software/websites that will help you do your taxes online for free if you make less than $66,000 (link in the text)

ULPT: Put liquor in a bottle of cough syrup so you can take shots at work without anyone noticing.

Tigres UANL vs Toronto Fc, CONCAF Champions League , 13-03-2018

Stephen Hawking is still alive in another universe.

LPT: Use superglue to fix the silicone earcaps to your in-ear headphones. Never lose them again.

ULPT: If you ever find a receipt at the self-check out counter, consider it a free coupon for everything on the receipt.

Stephen Hawking was born on the same date that Galileo died, and died on the same date that Einstein was born.

LPT: If your dog gets loose, or you’re trying to catch a stray dog. Chasing it is the opposite of what you should do. Instead, somehow get its attention with noise, and lay down or get on all fours. It is your best chance of having it come back to you.

ULPT: Have a rare, incurable disease? Go out and infect as many people as possible, more sick people means more demand for a cure.

Stephen Hawking is currently getting a full walking tour of ALL the universe’s mysteries.

LPT: When you do a friend a favor, don't think about it in monetary terms. Think "Bob owes me a pizza", rather than "Bob owes me $10". Better yet, form friendships where doing favors is common enough that you don't even care who owes who, and you know it'll even out sooner or later.

ULPT: When hooking up with a girl, do a check to see if she's crazy by pretending to almost orgasm. That way you can tell if she will hold you in so she gets pregnant.

[Request] Bundesliga Highlights - Week 26 - English

It’s pretty rare to use an entire pen without losing it first. On the other hand, it’s pretty common to find a pen already out of ink.

LPT: When trying to convince someone of anything, first acknowledge you understand their view.

ULPT: If you want revenge on a driver who cut you off, pull up next to them and tell them they have a flat tire.

LPT: Make it a habit to only say “thank you” to a compliment/ nice comment to avoid embarrassing & unnecessary “you too”s. There is no need to return a compliment.

ULPT: instead of saying you watched a video or read something on Reddit, say you read a book or a paper on the topic to seem more academic.

The Debate - 13th March 2018

Snow is like sex, anything under 4" is disappointing and anything over 12” just ends up hurting you.

LPT: Scrub the inside of your windshield with Dawn dish soap then wipe clean with a damp cloth to get rid of any kind of haze or grime, and leave it fog-free.

ULPT: Run for congress and take in donation money from the big corporations. Do what the big corporations tell you to do and you'll stay in office, while continuing to take in more donations.

The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that the they eventually use all the skills they learned in school

LPT: 1 If someone has recently experienced a tragedy/trauma, don't ask them how they're doing (in general), ask them how they're doing "today."

ULPT: If a girl claims you got her pregnant, punch her in the uterus. Fines for battery don't usually exceed $2000, which is far less than child support.

Manchester United vs Sevilla - UEFA Champions League, 13-Mar-2018

All born deaf people at some point in their life had someone explain to them that farts make noise

LPT: Just don't buy unhealthy foods, ever. If they're not in your house, you'll invent and grow to love healthy substitutes. Your life will change, in a phenomenal way.

ULPT: If your gaming console controller starts to malfunction, buy a used one at GameStop and return your shitty one the next day for a full refund.

Premier League Today - beIN sports, 13-Mar-2018

If boys screamed at girl bands the way girls scream at boy bands it would be terrifying and hilarious

LPT: Don't compartmentalise people as good or bad in your head - sometimes good people will make bad decisions and it's easier to forgive and move on if you don't have them on a pedestal.

ULPT: The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Same thing for boy/girlfriends.

Premier League Review - 13th March 2018

The line between “drugs will destroy your life” and “we’ll destroy your life if we catch you doing drugs” is apparently a blurred one.

LPT: Turn on your headlights if it's raining or snowing. It's not for you to see, it's for other to see you

ULPT: If your boss is an asshole, take a few of his/her business cards. If you're ever in an at fault accident with a parked car, just leave a business card with "Sorry, I hit your car" written on it.

When you're a sperm cell in your dad's balls your life is in a nutshell.

LPT: Funky smell in the basement? If there's drains, pour a bucket of water down them to keep the trap full.

ULPT: If you get caught sleeping at work, just slowly raise your head and say ‘in Jesus’s name I pray’

Hide and seek is a seemingly innocent game when in reality we are teaching our children the skills needed to survive if they are being hunted.

LPT: Have Pets? Have Wires & Power Cords? Make Those Cords Taste Bad To Your Pets

Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.

LPT: If you're experiencing acid reflux/heartburn/GERD but don't have "Tums" around, drink some baking soda diluted in water--it's an antacid (it even has a drug label on the back)